> Recent Entries
> Archive
> Friends
> User Info
> MSN Space

March 4th, 2008

01:09 am Well that sucked...crying because i didn't do the laundry right?? I'm really going to have difficulties with parenthood. I'm mostly scared because all I can think about at times like these are the times my mother and i argued and I would say horrible, horrible things to her about how she made me feel and how much i hated her. And I see now that all she was trying to do was instill with me with life's most important lessons. Granted, I have retained more of these lessons than i thought was possible, but of course I'm still learning along with everyone else. It just makes me worry that, now that i have all of these "tools" for presenting myself professionally and in an honourable manner, will I be able to pass them on to my children? How will i remain calm when they throw themselves on the ground in tantrum? How will i protect them when they run out of my reach towards the busy street? What will i say when she or he comes home crestfallen for not making the team? Getting teased by their peers? What will i do when they come home smelling like pot? Sneak out of the house at three am to meet some stranger?  I can't even begin to wrap my head around all the possibilites and opportunities for failure on mine and adam's part. i've never been presented with such an extreme, no..paramount assignment such as this. I am not saying that I regret anything or that i would reverse it if i could. Indeed I'm more than ready to face my fears and insecurities. At this point, I do find it very difficult for me to be anything but optimistic toward this endeavor. Though i forsee a mountain of worry, guilt, shame, anxiousness, self-doubt, pity and a multitude of other emotions, I know in my heart that I am quite well-equiped to handle the role of "mother". For one thing,  I have my child's father with me every step of the way. And though he may not always know the exact right thing to do or say at the time, I find him very open-minded and strong-willed. and these I find are always two very important traits in a successful father.  For another thing, we both have his and my parents who are both quite different in their  approaches, and yet very similar. Especially being kind of spirit and hopeful for justice and peace.  Yes, this pregnancy has come unexpected, unplanned and unprepared for. I do feel though, that God would not have allowed us to concieve if we were not ready both in mind and spirit for the task. I suppose I'm really just pysching myself out. As my mother would say, "just take things slowly, one day at a time. God is always there so whever you feel like you need guidance or strength, just ask". I take great comfort in those words. All in all i believe that this child is going to prove as the biggest blessing life ever offered. And with just two and a half months until his or her arrival, i think I just need as much rest and relaxation as I can possibly get at this time.  Time for me to sign off now. Josh Groban has so kindly lulled me into my sleepy-time state. Good night world. Current Mood: hormones suck

(Leave a comment)